I really want to write about the change that I'm incurring as fatherhood approaches. I don't have lots of time now, but time enough to jot down some things.
First off there is always the time suck aspect of it. My child will have to depend on me all of the time. There is not much in my life that needs that right now, just Rachel really. And while at first I was thinking this was going to suck, it really won't. I keep feeling this impending feeling of responsibility creep towards me. Like for instance, my job. I go to work, make money, come home. If I lost my job, I'd fail my wife. Suddenly, if I lost my job, I fail my entire family.
That is something I have accepted already, and I feel braver for it. Like I can't let my family down. I'll do whatever and work however hard it takes so that they have a good life. I love my job right now, but if something were to happen, I'd work extra hard to succeed at whatever job I needed to do to "bring home the bacon".
Surprisingly enough my relationship with my parents has seemed to have cooled these past few months. I'm not sure if it's leftovers from the Thanksgiving fight, but it's something. It feels like anytime I talk to them they just don't have nice things to say. Especially on the topic of not talking to them. I want to talk to them now, but I know I'll hear about how unavailable I've been lately and that just rubs me completely the wrong way.
But that's parenthood for you. That is something I'll have to take as well. No matter what I do, things will happen. My child will eventually fall and scrape it's knees. It will fail at something, and I'll have to take that as well. I really hated failing English in 9th grade, having to go to Summer school, but I can imagine what a let down it was for my parents now. I'm starting to "get it".
What can you do? Nothing really, just try harder. And be the best dad I can be.
Thursday we find out about the baby's gender. Woohoo!